Kirsty (K) OK, so Luther has kindly agreed to tidy up our text for the blog, but we're going to tell our story in dialogue. You alright with that Richard?
Richard (R ) On the condition that this is about coping too eh? I mean, sexy as it sometimes is, a husband will have to learn to cope.
(K) And women have to learn to be a bitch..to let that out I mean. (laughs). Introductions then. I'm Kirsty, and I'm 30 and I work at the hospital as a doctor. I work in orthopaedics so I see a lot of sports injuries and a lot of men. It's not all geriatrics! Richard and i have a house in Manchester, but let me say we both hate football.
(R ) I'm Richard and I'm 36. Kirsty and I have been married five years. I work on a oil rig, so its been a matter of coming and going for the last few years, which can be difficult.
(K) You have to tell them what you are Richard (giggles). Richard isn't one of those tough oil rig engineers, Richard is the first aider and communications man where he works. He was a male nurse…don't let them think that you are harder than you are!
(R ) Alright. Alright. Best tell them how we started this thing. I was going back and forth on oil business and I spend may be a fortnight may be a month away, companies differ and it depends on where the rig is. but the point is that Kirsty was left alone for periods of time, in Manchester and in a district that can be a bit rough. So I suggested that we take a lodger, someone around for a bit of extra security.
(K) I think you meant another woman didn't you, but it didn't work out like that. The lodger became another man! At the hospital there was a new psychologist taken on. His job was to do with trauma and other mental health issues relating to physical illnesses. Jamal is Nigerian and the coolest man you can imagine. I emailed you on the rig to suggest that he live with us.
(R ) Kirsty sent me a picture of the guy from the hospital newsletter. He was undoubtedly handsome. But he looked professional too. I thought..I thought that there could be an advantage in him being black.
(K) (Giggles) What Richard means is that where we live there are a lot of black guys. The local girls tend to date the black guys rather than whites. Its very territorial, the black guys won't let white men near their women. So the theory ran, Richard's theory ran, that it would seem that Jamal owned me. It made it look as if I was already taken.
(R ) You make it sound as if I wanted you to hook up with Jamal from the off. It wasn't exactly like that Kirst.
(K) But don't be coy, you did find it kinda sexy. You never demurred when black guys moved in on white girls in our area. It was kind of natural, perhaps inevitable in your view. You wrapped it up as socialist anti racist, but you also accepted that white women often preferred black men. Jamal moved in and for a week or so nothing happened. But do you remember how you felt when I told you that I fancied Jamal?
(R ) Startled, uncertain, insecure. If you're a husband thinking about this, anticipate the hours wondering about all this. But it was the context in which you'd told me about your feelings. You'd been out for coffee with the guy, nothing more. Then you went shopping together and he paid for those fucking black leather jeans.
(K) Ooh, touch blue paper and stand clear! Yes, Jamal bought me the jeans and then showed me how a wide slouch belt over the top of them, with the big buckle resting against my pubes would look hot. I always thought that it was only gay men who were so attuned to women's fashion, but Jamal took an interest. He wanted me to look great at Holly's party and that was when i knew that he wanted me. He was investing in my look, what sort of woman I seemed.
(R ) You took him to the party!
(K) But I told you about it! It was a fabulous night and when I got home and messaged you again, I told you how Jamal had kissed me. He had his mouth open, i opened mine to his and he put his tongue in my mouth. I admit it, I was teasing you. I felt so sexy, so unclinical in those jeans and that belt and with Jamal. I wanted you to be jealous of him. That's normal for women, it is. It is sexy to play one man off another.
(R ) Kisses wreck a man's psyche more than anything else. I didn't even have to see you kiss him, just the thought was enough. I don't know, its something about the closeness of eyes, the fact that you close your eyes to savour the feel of his tongue. It's imagining his arms around you, his hands on your rear. This more than so many other things is both hot and emasculating.
(K) I felt so sexy. It wasn't pre meditated, we just finished the wonderful night and instead of going on to his room, he kissed me. I felt myself submit to him. I felt his tongue. I remember sighing with pleasure. You know we kissed for several minutes. I could feel his erection against me. It was so horny knowing that he wanted me.
(R ) That, that was like that because circumstances had made it so natural for you to be with him. It wasn't an ad on a dating website, it wasn't some crude encounter at a club whilst i drank too much. I think that matters. If a woman is going to cuckold properly, completely, then she wants privacy doesn't she?
(K) Yes and she wants a measure of control. After all, you were out on a rig and couldn't argue much about things. I could have had an affair with Jamal and kept it from you. But because you seemed to accept the rightness, the beauty of interracial sex, it seemed even sexier to see whether you were ready to let nature take its course. Do you remember what I asked you?
(R ) Memory plays tricks. It wasn't whether I minded if you fucked him. It wasn't whether i liked cuckolding as a lifestyle. That was too abstract! No, I remember, you asked whether I minded you and he becoming an item.
(K) That seemed cute didn't it. But I didn't want anything behind doors and sordid. I had this idea, this crazy idea, that we might explore whether three people could have a relationship? History said people can't. But i thought that successes were probably not published, because it would be too morally unsettling. I was so turned on by that idea and because Jamal is so confident and emotionally secure.
(R ) I remember how that gave me an erection. It wasn't the thought of you fucking another guy at first, it was that you were so turned on, so assured, that you wanted to be in the midst of that.
(K) I told you that we shouldn't ring it with rules but go into it eyes open. Do you remember what I wanted?
(R ): Hell yes. You wanted it to take its course, and for Jamal and I to find our way as regards how we would relate to each other. You wanted me to ask him to begin an affair with you but then to wait and see whether he and i would be friends, whether I would treat him as your enjoyment, or whether he would get the upper hand.
(K) You guessed though, didn't you, which way it was going to go. You guessed because you had read about black men and sex.
(R ) For once Kirst, i knew more than you. None of this was in a medical book. It was a different kind of chemistry to the hospital lab. I told you that once he had fucked you a few times he would become a habit to you. You wouldn't be able to say no. Black men…and I don't mean disrespect by this, they see women as though they were still in Africa, still within a patriarchal society, where men rule and women do as they are told.
(K) (smiling) I didn't believe you, but you were right. I thought that my professional self would counter that sort of stuff. It didn't. When Jamal fucked me, he took me. He's much bigger than you, he fucked so much more physically and that made me feel so desirable. It made me feel so weak. It made me feel so submissive with him. You fucked nicely Richard. Jamal, fucked like a man. He fucked nastily. I was sore after the first time he finished with me, exhausted but exultant.
(R ): So Jamal and I, it was never going to be buddies was it. It was never going to be 'equal'.
(K) : No, Jamal took me over. He pushed you to the edge. I watched him do that, and it made me wet. That's something women have to realise. This life, it makes you much more instinctual. I wanted to see one of you win and the other lose. I wanted the conquest to be absolute. It was letting go to whatever happened and if that meant casting you even more adrift, then that was what had to happen. Anyway, we get ahead of ourselves. How did you feel writing that first message for Jamal?
(R ): I felt aroused and confused. I didn't understand why I wanted to take this stupid, stupid risk. i mean, you could have got hurt, you could have left me, anything could have happened. I even wondered whether I should ask him to check out for sexual diseases before he took you.
(K) But the hardest bit was giving a reason for the invitation wasn't it? Explaining why another, more attractive, better qualified and educated man, should enjoy me. I suggested the approach in the end, didn't? I said that you should be honest and say that you felt that you could never satisfy me. That in a masculine sense, not just in bed, but being with me socially, as man and woman, out there.
(R ) That freaked me! I mean here you were saying that you wanted to see where this led, to see how he and i would relate, and you wanted me to confide inadequacies from the start.
(K) But I'm a doctor, an educated woman. I wasn't a silly young woman who fancied someone and wanted to get it on with them. So you had to indicate that it would be a full relationship and not just sex. You had to give ground so that he knew he could enjoy all that with me. I agree, it was difficult, to give ground and then explore, but give ground you had to.
(R ) I suggested something about sexual impotency.
(K) But that wouldn't have worked. Jamal would have suggested that we treat you! (giggles)
(R ) So the point is, you have to concede a character shortfall. A weakness.
(K) Yes, but you are weak. You aren't very masculine and that is a flaw. So you decide what you will confess, what you will share.
(R ) He fucked you on the Saturday night. He showed you my message, took your hand and led you to our bed.
(K) It hurt you that it was in our bed didn't it? But it turned me on. He was so aggressive, so powerful. He didn't ask whether we should. He didn't wonder about you at all. He just led me there. I admit it, I climaxed even harder because of that, how he did it, how he took charge so completely. We fucked hard for an hour, we lay back and talked, about how he had always wanted me since he bought me the jeans. There was nothing about you. He didn't think once about managing you, it was simply about me. I tell you, after the here sometimes, gone sometimes of our life Richard, that was intoxicating.
(R ) I wanted to ask you about the sex. I wanted to know the details. But right then you know, that made me feel like a pervert. I remembered how we started. A relationship starts softly, with intimacies discovered. I imagined that was true with you and him. To ask then, to ask much, well it was way too vulgar.
(K) You were very good! So sweet. But goodness, I was on a high! If you do this, with a bigger man, if you go with a man like Jamal, you are on cloud 9. I went to work the next day like the cat that had got the cream. I didn't shower that morning. I wanted to smell him on me. I wanted to touch myself and even to taste what we had done. That's why I told you how much more authoritative he was with me.
(R ) I got that loud and clear. You were so different. So instantly different! It was like he injected that into your head as much as he filled your cunt with spunk.
(K) It's like G force, the absolute rush of doing something so sexy, and being with someone so great.
(R ) You know that three days on he messaged me. He told me how he was going to be with you?
(K) Not immediately. I think that he wanted you sorted before he told me. He knew that you were due home in a couple of weeks. He wasn't going to just disappear because you came back.
(R ) He told me that it wouldn't be equal. He told me that I wasn't allowed near your bed. My stay at home was to be sexless. It was as if I was to be a visiting Uncle or something.
(K) I remember how you came home, smiled and kissed me on the cheek. You glanced at Jamal to see if that was alright! It was such a strange feeling. You didn't kiss me on the lips. Not even a closed lips kiss. My lips were off limits to you. I knew that you had corresponded, but I didn't know what he had said, so that first trip home post Jamal and i starting, I learned about things day to day.
(R ) How did that feel?
(K) Well, I'd taken a week's leave so it was educational to say the least. I remember you arriving at the front door and Jamal answering it. You weren't allowed in the house until he had assessed your attitude. You had a conversation on the doorstep! 'You relaxed man?' 'You properly calm about this scene?' It was really odd. Jamal talked black man, but I knew he was psychologist too. 'He asked whether you were ready to move your clothes out of the master bedroom…it was the first thing that you had to do, even before you had a coffee!'
(R ) I guess it was about establishing hierarchy. It was in my face, even brutal. But if there was going to be a row, then better now. Better done with.
(K) When you watch this as a woman, you feel anxious. I didn't want you to fight. I felt guilty that i had played a part in bringing this about. But…and this is horrible, I felt so aroused by it.
(R ) I remember that I accepted his terms, I came in and left my bags in the hall, and then he and I went upstairs so I could empty my things from our wardrobe. Jamal watched me. He didn't say a thing, he just watched me. You stayed down here, you couldn't watch it.
(K) To be honest, it felt sexy then. That Jamal was making you do it. Once there had been no fight on the doorstep, it was sexy that he took charge. I didn't have to speak about it. He took charge.
(R ) Once I had moved my things, including photographs of you and I, he gave me another photograph in a frame. You were with him, wearing the leather jeans. You were together in a group of people. I was to put that on the bedside table. It was a rite of passage. He was psyching me out.
(K) The week passed didn't it. You slept in the guest room, we used the master. You cooked meals, you always do that though. I went out a lot with Jamal…
(R ) That's worth a note. You know this reframes things. It reframed it faster, more completely than you ever think possible. I'd travelled all the way back from the rig to be ignored to a large extent. It was the time that I spent alone, watching TV that told me what being cuckolded was like. It was the clothes that you wore for him. I had never seen you in a pleated mini skirt until he came on the scene.
(K) And I didn't think about those things! I didn't think how my dress was changing so quickly. I didn't think about how different I would seem to you. I put the sex thing in a separate box. I suggested that it was fine for you to masturbate. It was as if that was meant to resolve everything wasn't it!? That first day, Jamal kissed me in front of you. I knew that wrecked you, but the other things, the being left behind, I underestimated the impact of that.
(R ) What spaced me out was how you looked at me. It was the little things that you said. I sense, you tell me, that you didn't consciously despise me. You didn't just switch attitude over night…
(K) Oh no, I didn't. It happened unconsciously. I remember getting back one night from a club with Jamal, and saying to you, 'why are you still up'. I felt you encroached upon us. It was less easy to kiss and to pet before we went up to bed. Sex space…it isn't just a bedroom. That's something people don't realise. Another time, I'm sorry, I heard you wanking in the bathroom sink. Jamal had dozed off but i heard you. You were grunting, groaning, and I guessed that you were tugging off. Nothing I had said about the normality of masturbating in this circumstance counted then. I felt compelled to happen into the ****** bathroom even though we had the en suite available. You blushed when I saw you pulling at it. I said to you, 'finish it and clean up after you'. I watched you grimace and then your wasted spunk splashed against the taps. I thought, pathetic. It was so unlike me! Then I watched you clean the sink carefully and I returned to Jamal' side.
(R ) We didn't anticipate the humiliation did we?
(K) That's true. But I think it comes from an extremely unequal relationship between the men. If it had been fun, if it had been swinging, then humiliation wouldn't have featured. But as soon as I knew that I wanted Jamal to be master, then you had to be something so much less. I started to play my part in that. I knew Jamal wanted you laughed at. So humiliation becomes normal. It made Jamal better than you, it made me too good for you, it was a heady rush of things. Sexual relations, they started to define social worth didn't they. It wasn't just a little game, it was a set of values, beliefs, about what should be, what was right.
(R ) I went back to work with my tail between my legs didn't I?
(K) Yes, you did. I was shocked at how cruel I had been to you. I let you leave without talking about it to you. It was as if we talked about it, the new relationship would seem contrived, incomplete, something we played at.
(R ) I was shit for the next two weeks. I found it so hard to concentrate. You didn't message me. You were too busy with him!
(K) I was cruel. I felt I had to be cruel. I didn't want you to imagine that we could step back from it. I felt you might beg us to stop.
(R ) None of that gets talked about in sexy blogs does it?
(K) No. You're right. If you are going to cuckold a husband with a black guy you had better realise how hard it makes you. The contrast, the rush, the feel of being with such a man, it comes part and parcel with being very cruel. I know that i made you insecure. I made you doubt whether I would leave you.
(R ) I begged you didn't I, for something, anything. I told you it was like getting an illness diagnosis without getting anything on treatment or prognosis. I mean, as a husband, you surrender all the control.
(K) I showed your message to Jamal. I, I was lost in sex and work, work and sex. I found it so difficult to concentrate on you and I. It was Jamal who said that you needed assigning a role now. You needed a place in the threesome. Whilst you'd been home, you had to be excluded. You had to be tested to see whether you could learn to be a cuck.
(R ) You sent me a video clip, of Jamal fucking you.
(K) yes.
(R ) But you didn't allow that whilst i had been home?
(K) It was different on film and with you being out of the way. It didn't seem so vulgar…you couldn't get in the way of what we did.
(R ) It was meant to make me feel involved?
(K) (smiling) Yes, I suppose so. But it was meant to help you accept your lot too. You were seeing what Jamal did with me. You saw how he made me climax.
(R ) It was there to humiliate..
(K) Yes, but think about what Jamal then suggested by way of notes. Do you remember those?
(R ) I could never forget them. He asked me whether I thought he rode you well? He asked me whether it made me see you differently, as my mistress?
(K) It wasn't psychological torture…
(R ) Don't be cute Kirsty…it was! He meant it that way. He knew what he was doing. But he wanted me to be something different. When I admitted how I admired how he fucked you he said that was good. When I admitted that it seemed horny thinking of you as my mistress, he seemed pleased.
(K) he asked whether you thought yourself capable of licking my sex without expecting anything more..
(R ) Yes, yes he did.
(K) And you did that, on the next visit home, you licked me out several times. Did it seem like….like some kind of progress?
(R ) It seemed more than what i had during the first week home. It seemed like some sort of purpose for me.
(K) I enjoyed that. I enjoyed what you did. Do you know, i went to a seminar on psychological health and sex that week and when they started talking so much theory about sex and release, i reminded them that a tongue was a sexual organ too. I argued that women could enjoy being given oral and that this was enough for some men. I got some saucy looks!
(R ) I felt a sort of relief. He didn't seem irritable, he didn't seem on edge when he watched me lick you out.
(K) He was turned on Richard. He liked me making you do that. He likes me demeaning you.
(R ) But it gives you a purpose, it does!!
(K) Yes it does Richard. I think that's enough, for now. We can talk some more another time, about how you feel now. I can explain another time about wanting children. Another time. OK?
(R ) Another time, yes. But i hope that they understand the significant investment it takes for a husband, to step back, to surrender ground to a man like Jamal.
(K) I think that's right. It may shake a woman too. I mean, at work I am compassionate, caring, considerate, but I am different with you. If a woman has any nice ideas about womanhood in her head, then this will shake them around. Women can be cruel. They can enjoy being cruel. But you have to be ready to discover that within your nature. If you go with a man like Jamal, it is so perfect, so elemental, that you will ruin your husband if that is required. You've learned to bend, to fit in to the lifestyle, but other husband's can't. They will hurt, fight, and suffers as a result. I think that it is like a maze. Once inside, as a husband, you will have to go on travelling to the centre, that which your wife and her lover allow you. You have to fulfil their needs as well as understand your own. If you try to step back, try to make it the same old life again, she will shut you out.
(R ) Against that, the horror of that…I would say that you see your wife completely afresh.
(K) as your mistress?
(R ) Yes, pretty often. With a dominant male lover, yes. But you see her as amazing, as ultra sexy, as almost goddess like.
(K) (smiling) Even though you mean so little to her now?
(R ) Yes. I have to admit it….yes.
Richard (R ) On the condition that this is about coping too eh? I mean, sexy as it sometimes is, a husband will have to learn to cope.
(K) And women have to learn to be a bitch..to let that out I mean. (laughs). Introductions then. I'm Kirsty, and I'm 30 and I work at the hospital as a doctor. I work in orthopaedics so I see a lot of sports injuries and a lot of men. It's not all geriatrics! Richard and i have a house in Manchester, but let me say we both hate football.
(R ) I'm Richard and I'm 36. Kirsty and I have been married five years. I work on a oil rig, so its been a matter of coming and going for the last few years, which can be difficult.
(K) You have to tell them what you are Richard (giggles). Richard isn't one of those tough oil rig engineers, Richard is the first aider and communications man where he works. He was a male nurse…don't let them think that you are harder than you are!
(R ) Alright. Alright. Best tell them how we started this thing. I was going back and forth on oil business and I spend may be a fortnight may be a month away, companies differ and it depends on where the rig is. but the point is that Kirsty was left alone for periods of time, in Manchester and in a district that can be a bit rough. So I suggested that we take a lodger, someone around for a bit of extra security.
(K) I think you meant another woman didn't you, but it didn't work out like that. The lodger became another man! At the hospital there was a new psychologist taken on. His job was to do with trauma and other mental health issues relating to physical illnesses. Jamal is Nigerian and the coolest man you can imagine. I emailed you on the rig to suggest that he live with us.
(R ) Kirsty sent me a picture of the guy from the hospital newsletter. He was undoubtedly handsome. But he looked professional too. I thought..I thought that there could be an advantage in him being black.
(K) (Giggles) What Richard means is that where we live there are a lot of black guys. The local girls tend to date the black guys rather than whites. Its very territorial, the black guys won't let white men near their women. So the theory ran, Richard's theory ran, that it would seem that Jamal owned me. It made it look as if I was already taken.
(R ) You make it sound as if I wanted you to hook up with Jamal from the off. It wasn't exactly like that Kirst.
(K) But don't be coy, you did find it kinda sexy. You never demurred when black guys moved in on white girls in our area. It was kind of natural, perhaps inevitable in your view. You wrapped it up as socialist anti racist, but you also accepted that white women often preferred black men. Jamal moved in and for a week or so nothing happened. But do you remember how you felt when I told you that I fancied Jamal?
(R ) Startled, uncertain, insecure. If you're a husband thinking about this, anticipate the hours wondering about all this. But it was the context in which you'd told me about your feelings. You'd been out for coffee with the guy, nothing more. Then you went shopping together and he paid for those fucking black leather jeans.
(K) Ooh, touch blue paper and stand clear! Yes, Jamal bought me the jeans and then showed me how a wide slouch belt over the top of them, with the big buckle resting against my pubes would look hot. I always thought that it was only gay men who were so attuned to women's fashion, but Jamal took an interest. He wanted me to look great at Holly's party and that was when i knew that he wanted me. He was investing in my look, what sort of woman I seemed.
(R ) You took him to the party!
(K) But I told you about it! It was a fabulous night and when I got home and messaged you again, I told you how Jamal had kissed me. He had his mouth open, i opened mine to his and he put his tongue in my mouth. I admit it, I was teasing you. I felt so sexy, so unclinical in those jeans and that belt and with Jamal. I wanted you to be jealous of him. That's normal for women, it is. It is sexy to play one man off another.
(R ) Kisses wreck a man's psyche more than anything else. I didn't even have to see you kiss him, just the thought was enough. I don't know, its something about the closeness of eyes, the fact that you close your eyes to savour the feel of his tongue. It's imagining his arms around you, his hands on your rear. This more than so many other things is both hot and emasculating.
(K) I felt so sexy. It wasn't pre meditated, we just finished the wonderful night and instead of going on to his room, he kissed me. I felt myself submit to him. I felt his tongue. I remember sighing with pleasure. You know we kissed for several minutes. I could feel his erection against me. It was so horny knowing that he wanted me.
(R ) That, that was like that because circumstances had made it so natural for you to be with him. It wasn't an ad on a dating website, it wasn't some crude encounter at a club whilst i drank too much. I think that matters. If a woman is going to cuckold properly, completely, then she wants privacy doesn't she?
(K) Yes and she wants a measure of control. After all, you were out on a rig and couldn't argue much about things. I could have had an affair with Jamal and kept it from you. But because you seemed to accept the rightness, the beauty of interracial sex, it seemed even sexier to see whether you were ready to let nature take its course. Do you remember what I asked you?
(R ) Memory plays tricks. It wasn't whether I minded if you fucked him. It wasn't whether i liked cuckolding as a lifestyle. That was too abstract! No, I remember, you asked whether I minded you and he becoming an item.
(K) That seemed cute didn't it. But I didn't want anything behind doors and sordid. I had this idea, this crazy idea, that we might explore whether three people could have a relationship? History said people can't. But i thought that successes were probably not published, because it would be too morally unsettling. I was so turned on by that idea and because Jamal is so confident and emotionally secure.
(R ) I remember how that gave me an erection. It wasn't the thought of you fucking another guy at first, it was that you were so turned on, so assured, that you wanted to be in the midst of that.
(K) I told you that we shouldn't ring it with rules but go into it eyes open. Do you remember what I wanted?
(R ): Hell yes. You wanted it to take its course, and for Jamal and I to find our way as regards how we would relate to each other. You wanted me to ask him to begin an affair with you but then to wait and see whether he and i would be friends, whether I would treat him as your enjoyment, or whether he would get the upper hand.
(K) You guessed though, didn't you, which way it was going to go. You guessed because you had read about black men and sex.
(R ) For once Kirst, i knew more than you. None of this was in a medical book. It was a different kind of chemistry to the hospital lab. I told you that once he had fucked you a few times he would become a habit to you. You wouldn't be able to say no. Black men…and I don't mean disrespect by this, they see women as though they were still in Africa, still within a patriarchal society, where men rule and women do as they are told.
(K) (smiling) I didn't believe you, but you were right. I thought that my professional self would counter that sort of stuff. It didn't. When Jamal fucked me, he took me. He's much bigger than you, he fucked so much more physically and that made me feel so desirable. It made me feel so weak. It made me feel so submissive with him. You fucked nicely Richard. Jamal, fucked like a man. He fucked nastily. I was sore after the first time he finished with me, exhausted but exultant.
(R ): So Jamal and I, it was never going to be buddies was it. It was never going to be 'equal'.
(K) : No, Jamal took me over. He pushed you to the edge. I watched him do that, and it made me wet. That's something women have to realise. This life, it makes you much more instinctual. I wanted to see one of you win and the other lose. I wanted the conquest to be absolute. It was letting go to whatever happened and if that meant casting you even more adrift, then that was what had to happen. Anyway, we get ahead of ourselves. How did you feel writing that first message for Jamal?
(R ): I felt aroused and confused. I didn't understand why I wanted to take this stupid, stupid risk. i mean, you could have got hurt, you could have left me, anything could have happened. I even wondered whether I should ask him to check out for sexual diseases before he took you.
(K) But the hardest bit was giving a reason for the invitation wasn't it? Explaining why another, more attractive, better qualified and educated man, should enjoy me. I suggested the approach in the end, didn't? I said that you should be honest and say that you felt that you could never satisfy me. That in a masculine sense, not just in bed, but being with me socially, as man and woman, out there.
(R ) That freaked me! I mean here you were saying that you wanted to see where this led, to see how he and i would relate, and you wanted me to confide inadequacies from the start.
(K) But I'm a doctor, an educated woman. I wasn't a silly young woman who fancied someone and wanted to get it on with them. So you had to indicate that it would be a full relationship and not just sex. You had to give ground so that he knew he could enjoy all that with me. I agree, it was difficult, to give ground and then explore, but give ground you had to.
(R ) I suggested something about sexual impotency.
(K) But that wouldn't have worked. Jamal would have suggested that we treat you! (giggles)
(R ) So the point is, you have to concede a character shortfall. A weakness.
(K) Yes, but you are weak. You aren't very masculine and that is a flaw. So you decide what you will confess, what you will share.
(R ) He fucked you on the Saturday night. He showed you my message, took your hand and led you to our bed.
(K) It hurt you that it was in our bed didn't it? But it turned me on. He was so aggressive, so powerful. He didn't ask whether we should. He didn't wonder about you at all. He just led me there. I admit it, I climaxed even harder because of that, how he did it, how he took charge so completely. We fucked hard for an hour, we lay back and talked, about how he had always wanted me since he bought me the jeans. There was nothing about you. He didn't think once about managing you, it was simply about me. I tell you, after the here sometimes, gone sometimes of our life Richard, that was intoxicating.
(R ) I wanted to ask you about the sex. I wanted to know the details. But right then you know, that made me feel like a pervert. I remembered how we started. A relationship starts softly, with intimacies discovered. I imagined that was true with you and him. To ask then, to ask much, well it was way too vulgar.
(K) You were very good! So sweet. But goodness, I was on a high! If you do this, with a bigger man, if you go with a man like Jamal, you are on cloud 9. I went to work the next day like the cat that had got the cream. I didn't shower that morning. I wanted to smell him on me. I wanted to touch myself and even to taste what we had done. That's why I told you how much more authoritative he was with me.
(R ) I got that loud and clear. You were so different. So instantly different! It was like he injected that into your head as much as he filled your cunt with spunk.
(K) It's like G force, the absolute rush of doing something so sexy, and being with someone so great.
(R ) You know that three days on he messaged me. He told me how he was going to be with you?
(K) Not immediately. I think that he wanted you sorted before he told me. He knew that you were due home in a couple of weeks. He wasn't going to just disappear because you came back.
(R ) He told me that it wouldn't be equal. He told me that I wasn't allowed near your bed. My stay at home was to be sexless. It was as if I was to be a visiting Uncle or something.
(K) I remember how you came home, smiled and kissed me on the cheek. You glanced at Jamal to see if that was alright! It was such a strange feeling. You didn't kiss me on the lips. Not even a closed lips kiss. My lips were off limits to you. I knew that you had corresponded, but I didn't know what he had said, so that first trip home post Jamal and i starting, I learned about things day to day.
(R ) How did that feel?
(K) Well, I'd taken a week's leave so it was educational to say the least. I remember you arriving at the front door and Jamal answering it. You weren't allowed in the house until he had assessed your attitude. You had a conversation on the doorstep! 'You relaxed man?' 'You properly calm about this scene?' It was really odd. Jamal talked black man, but I knew he was psychologist too. 'He asked whether you were ready to move your clothes out of the master bedroom…it was the first thing that you had to do, even before you had a coffee!'
(R ) I guess it was about establishing hierarchy. It was in my face, even brutal. But if there was going to be a row, then better now. Better done with.
(K) When you watch this as a woman, you feel anxious. I didn't want you to fight. I felt guilty that i had played a part in bringing this about. But…and this is horrible, I felt so aroused by it.
(R ) I remember that I accepted his terms, I came in and left my bags in the hall, and then he and I went upstairs so I could empty my things from our wardrobe. Jamal watched me. He didn't say a thing, he just watched me. You stayed down here, you couldn't watch it.
(K) To be honest, it felt sexy then. That Jamal was making you do it. Once there had been no fight on the doorstep, it was sexy that he took charge. I didn't have to speak about it. He took charge.
(R ) Once I had moved my things, including photographs of you and I, he gave me another photograph in a frame. You were with him, wearing the leather jeans. You were together in a group of people. I was to put that on the bedside table. It was a rite of passage. He was psyching me out.
(K) The week passed didn't it. You slept in the guest room, we used the master. You cooked meals, you always do that though. I went out a lot with Jamal…
(R ) That's worth a note. You know this reframes things. It reframed it faster, more completely than you ever think possible. I'd travelled all the way back from the rig to be ignored to a large extent. It was the time that I spent alone, watching TV that told me what being cuckolded was like. It was the clothes that you wore for him. I had never seen you in a pleated mini skirt until he came on the scene.
(K) And I didn't think about those things! I didn't think how my dress was changing so quickly. I didn't think about how different I would seem to you. I put the sex thing in a separate box. I suggested that it was fine for you to masturbate. It was as if that was meant to resolve everything wasn't it!? That first day, Jamal kissed me in front of you. I knew that wrecked you, but the other things, the being left behind, I underestimated the impact of that.
(R ) What spaced me out was how you looked at me. It was the little things that you said. I sense, you tell me, that you didn't consciously despise me. You didn't just switch attitude over night…
(K) Oh no, I didn't. It happened unconsciously. I remember getting back one night from a club with Jamal, and saying to you, 'why are you still up'. I felt you encroached upon us. It was less easy to kiss and to pet before we went up to bed. Sex space…it isn't just a bedroom. That's something people don't realise. Another time, I'm sorry, I heard you wanking in the bathroom sink. Jamal had dozed off but i heard you. You were grunting, groaning, and I guessed that you were tugging off. Nothing I had said about the normality of masturbating in this circumstance counted then. I felt compelled to happen into the ****** bathroom even though we had the en suite available. You blushed when I saw you pulling at it. I said to you, 'finish it and clean up after you'. I watched you grimace and then your wasted spunk splashed against the taps. I thought, pathetic. It was so unlike me! Then I watched you clean the sink carefully and I returned to Jamal' side.
(R ) We didn't anticipate the humiliation did we?
(K) That's true. But I think it comes from an extremely unequal relationship between the men. If it had been fun, if it had been swinging, then humiliation wouldn't have featured. But as soon as I knew that I wanted Jamal to be master, then you had to be something so much less. I started to play my part in that. I knew Jamal wanted you laughed at. So humiliation becomes normal. It made Jamal better than you, it made me too good for you, it was a heady rush of things. Sexual relations, they started to define social worth didn't they. It wasn't just a little game, it was a set of values, beliefs, about what should be, what was right.
(R ) I went back to work with my tail between my legs didn't I?
(K) Yes, you did. I was shocked at how cruel I had been to you. I let you leave without talking about it to you. It was as if we talked about it, the new relationship would seem contrived, incomplete, something we played at.
(R ) I was shit for the next two weeks. I found it so hard to concentrate. You didn't message me. You were too busy with him!
(K) I was cruel. I felt I had to be cruel. I didn't want you to imagine that we could step back from it. I felt you might beg us to stop.
(R ) None of that gets talked about in sexy blogs does it?
(K) No. You're right. If you are going to cuckold a husband with a black guy you had better realise how hard it makes you. The contrast, the rush, the feel of being with such a man, it comes part and parcel with being very cruel. I know that i made you insecure. I made you doubt whether I would leave you.
(R ) I begged you didn't I, for something, anything. I told you it was like getting an illness diagnosis without getting anything on treatment or prognosis. I mean, as a husband, you surrender all the control.
(K) I showed your message to Jamal. I, I was lost in sex and work, work and sex. I found it so difficult to concentrate on you and I. It was Jamal who said that you needed assigning a role now. You needed a place in the threesome. Whilst you'd been home, you had to be excluded. You had to be tested to see whether you could learn to be a cuck.
(R ) You sent me a video clip, of Jamal fucking you.
(K) yes.
(R ) But you didn't allow that whilst i had been home?
(K) It was different on film and with you being out of the way. It didn't seem so vulgar…you couldn't get in the way of what we did.
(R ) It was meant to make me feel involved?
(K) (smiling) Yes, I suppose so. But it was meant to help you accept your lot too. You were seeing what Jamal did with me. You saw how he made me climax.
(R ) It was there to humiliate..
(K) Yes, but think about what Jamal then suggested by way of notes. Do you remember those?
(R ) I could never forget them. He asked me whether I thought he rode you well? He asked me whether it made me see you differently, as my mistress?
(K) It wasn't psychological torture…
(R ) Don't be cute Kirsty…it was! He meant it that way. He knew what he was doing. But he wanted me to be something different. When I admitted how I admired how he fucked you he said that was good. When I admitted that it seemed horny thinking of you as my mistress, he seemed pleased.
(K) he asked whether you thought yourself capable of licking my sex without expecting anything more..
(R ) Yes, yes he did.
(K) And you did that, on the next visit home, you licked me out several times. Did it seem like….like some kind of progress?
(R ) It seemed more than what i had during the first week home. It seemed like some sort of purpose for me.
(K) I enjoyed that. I enjoyed what you did. Do you know, i went to a seminar on psychological health and sex that week and when they started talking so much theory about sex and release, i reminded them that a tongue was a sexual organ too. I argued that women could enjoy being given oral and that this was enough for some men. I got some saucy looks!
(R ) I felt a sort of relief. He didn't seem irritable, he didn't seem on edge when he watched me lick you out.
(K) He was turned on Richard. He liked me making you do that. He likes me demeaning you.
(R ) But it gives you a purpose, it does!!
(K) Yes it does Richard. I think that's enough, for now. We can talk some more another time, about how you feel now. I can explain another time about wanting children. Another time. OK?
(R ) Another time, yes. But i hope that they understand the significant investment it takes for a husband, to step back, to surrender ground to a man like Jamal.
(K) I think that's right. It may shake a woman too. I mean, at work I am compassionate, caring, considerate, but I am different with you. If a woman has any nice ideas about womanhood in her head, then this will shake them around. Women can be cruel. They can enjoy being cruel. But you have to be ready to discover that within your nature. If you go with a man like Jamal, it is so perfect, so elemental, that you will ruin your husband if that is required. You've learned to bend, to fit in to the lifestyle, but other husband's can't. They will hurt, fight, and suffers as a result. I think that it is like a maze. Once inside, as a husband, you will have to go on travelling to the centre, that which your wife and her lover allow you. You have to fulfil their needs as well as understand your own. If you try to step back, try to make it the same old life again, she will shut you out.
(R ) Against that, the horror of that…I would say that you see your wife completely afresh.
(K) as your mistress?
(R ) Yes, pretty often. With a dominant male lover, yes. But you see her as amazing, as ultra sexy, as almost goddess like.
(K) (smiling) Even though you mean so little to her now?
(R ) Yes. I have to admit it….yes.
