Journal of a Journey - Book #109

I cannot deny the way I feel right now. The emotional and physical feelings we have for each other, excluding sexual, have only increased. I know that I felt incredible last night when she came home and we shared a huge hug and kiss and time to talk and reconnect. It just feels so right to let myself be happy for her and to show her that happiness when she comes home; right that I should do so but weird knowing what she was doing. I told her that it was an amazingly erotic and arousing feeling to be holding her and kissing her as all the while knowing she'd just come from his bed and was most definitely still wet from being with him.


In bed last night, as I expected, we eventually moved into a sort of mutual masturbation session. Granted it was more of her watching and encouraging me, but it was still us together, enjoying each other.

Anyone reading this journal (as if that's likely to happen!) would get the impression that we don't have sex together very much, some would say that her watching me masturbate isn't having sex at all but if they could see or experience how close she is with me and how openly we talk and share, I think some would change their opinion on how together a moment it is.

Last night was a bit different inasmuch as she took the time to ask me to tell her what had me so horny and turned-on as I lay next to her. As I started to talk she would pause me and to prompt me, saying, "Use the right words baby...."

It felt strange at first when she encouraged me to tell her how hard my cock had been all day and night; when she interrupted and said, " … for tonight baby, call it your penis please".

When I talked about seeing her 'hard nips' she told me to, "use the proper name" and so it was nipples and breasts instead of nips and tits. So as I stroked my hard penis last night, she wanted me to tell her in clinical detail what had me turned on so much and what I was thinking about.

Wednesdays are normally a night when it's easy to talk to her but it took me a little longer to feel comfortable with her request of using more 'correct' words. No matter, just a little while later I told her that, "it turns me on to think of you lying next to me with your vagina still filled with Paul’s thick semen".

She squealed at how sexy it sounded to hear me talk like that and she encouraged me to tell her in the same way, "what is it about it that turns you on". So the narrative from me became much more about what was in my head and I told her, using all the clinical terms, that, " I loved thinking about your cervix being covered when he comes in her …" before quickly correcting myself to be, " … when he ejaculates inside you .." which made her squeal again.

To be honest, it was erotic to me, to be talking like this and once the ball was rolling I became comfortable with it all and I let my thoughts just roll. I know that I came, or rather, ejaculated, all over myself when I told her that it turned me on so ".... that you've had so much of his semen in your vagina lately that I am sure some of it never comes out.....".

Yes, it was one-sided, she had let me see her as she got changed into just her long-night-shirt an she had pulled it up to let me look at her tits and her pussy, but that was as sexual as she got while she encouraged me along.


I looked back at some of my diary entries from several years ago now. It was from around Christmas and they described a time when we were together with Dan. It brought back many memories including those that reminded me of how I felt back then and how I so wanted to experience her but mainly, it reminded me of was how much I desired her and how I needed to reclaim her after she'd been with Dan. I so remember the intense need to have her as soon as I could after she'd been with him, whether when she came home or even when we were together.

It also brought back memories of her earliest times showing me how open she could be. Of course back then it was in response and to live up to how Dan had wanted things, but it was very exciting to re-live those moments again and contrast them to how it is now with Paul.


She is downstairs cleaning in anticipation of Paul coming over later when he'll have dinner with us and then spend the night (with the house already clean she's clearly just finding something to do to occupy herself) but it's all feeling almost normal in a way that he will be here and they will be together. Leastways with her being so busy elsewhere I have been left alone to read through some of my earlier diaries (books, as I think of them) and I am now wondering if my ability to assume the beta-role and of my desire to let her go with Paul even more, perhaps subconsciously (and now with my awareness) is perhaps due to the sort of guys that Robert and Paul seem to be and their behaviour toward Suzanna.

I read back to the earlier times with Dan and what I can feel and remember from reading it is that I had this intense almost unquenchable need to have her and to fuck her and how important it was for me to cum in her. Now I'm really thinking that was perhaps my response to how I perceived Dan in the relationship.

Maybe with Robert and Paul being more of a 'fuck-buddy' to her rather than a dominant/aggressive kind of boyfriend, it's relieved me of the need to reclaim her as I had felt in the past and to let me relax enough to enjoy the beta-role as I am right now. Even with them going away next weekend, I don't feel the same as I had in the past (at least not yet); I don't feel that burning anxiety and rising desire. Maybe it's because I'm not scared of either Robert or Paul that I have been able to let my guard down?

Then again, is it Suzanna? Reading back through my books, here is no doubting that there is now a clear difference in our sex-play; now it's definitely her who wants it. I still felt re-reading the past that she was into things back then because, at that specific time, she felt led by either Dan and/or me. I clearly encouraged her with Dan even while needing to feel her intimately myself but the way it made me feel was that she wasn't so much acting but fulfilling a role that both Dan and I wanted her to play. Now I can clearly see from reading back from then to how she is now is how much of the lead she has taken with me now and that her desires are her own and not necessarily those of Paul or even me.

My head is spinning with these thoughts and I don't want to bring them up with her right now but it is starting to be clear to me that perhaps the evolution of my desires has been influenced by how her lovers have treated her and how I've felt as a result of that.


Paul is due here about 6pm. He's bringing Italian food (she talked to him briefly to confirm what he's picking up). I'm looking forward to it, it'll make a nice change, and I had to agree with her that it'll make the kitchen and house (and us too) seem warm and cozy cooking it all up.

I'm hoping he and I can continue our openness with each other. The more I come to know him, the more I can see why she feels as she does with him.


It is almost midday and they are still in bed and, my god, am I horny again. The bedroom door is closed and I don't want to open it and maybe wake them up.

They were up quite late last night. I slept in the guestroom and was awoken when I heard them about 3am with Suzanna grunting away along with a continual sound of motion until there was a deep moan and a louder cry and then it was quiet again after a few minutes. I spent the next 30 minutes lying in bed listening, stroking my raging hard-on, but I'd never heard any other sounds from them meaning she went back to sleep right afterwards, something I spent that time so turned on by.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, that's not what I wanted to write about first; first is actually last night, maybe an hour or so after Paul had arrived.


Things, once again, started out very relaxed. Paul arrived bearing gifts, this time he bought both wine and dinner. We talked about the weather and other stuff and had some wine. Paul was very nice and complimentary on some changes we were talking about for the house and the pool for next summer. It was when he suggested that Suzanna might want to go into the kitchen to get things ready for dinner (mainly turn on the oven) that I suspected he'd likely asked her to leave us alone. He watched her go and said he wanted to talk to me.

I asked him what was up and he said that he wanted to thank me for joining them the last 2 times he was here at our house. I was confused at first but he said that up until then, in all honesty, he'd never fully believed Suzanna when she had told him that I really liked and wanted what we were all doing. He was kind of struggling for words so I let him take his time and after a bit he said that it wasn't that he didn't believe her, but that he wasn't convinced I was as into it as Suzanna had been telling him.

He looked at me and said, "but when you, you know, did your thing with the condom.... and... and it was good for you..... I guess I kind of realized that it is cool with you".

I looked at him and said, "cool with me what, that you're fucking her? Yeah, I told you that myself".

He said that he knew that but, " …. you know, it's still kinda new for me, you knowing and all....”

It wasn't what I expected him to be saying. I told him that, "yeah, it's just something I seem to be into, you know, after all these years and stuff".

He seemed to lighten up hearing that and said, "I am sooooo jealous of you..... having her for like 30 years to yourself..... ". I started to say something but he continued, " …. she is amazing in bed.... I mean, well, you know what I mean".

It felt comfortable with him and feeling relaxed I answered him, "yeah, she is amazing, isn't it!”

He nodded then he smiled and said, "... yeah... I mean really... it's been so long since I've been with a woman who really wanted sex...”

I told again that I was okay with him having sex with her and again mentioned the feeling of it being something like a phase that we were going through where we were comfortable enough to explore sex fantasies we had. He looked at me and said, "thank you for letting me be a part of it".

I joked back that he should be thanking Suzanna as it was her choices and that, .. I hoped she'd chosen well … and that so far I thought she had!"

So, that seemed to get him to the point he was looking to get to because he turned to look at me and said, "You can trust me next weekend with her you know; I'll look out for her and show her a good time".

I told him I was sure he would and then added that I hoped his intentions were good. That seemed to bring about a change in his tone and he said in a more serious voice, "man, I don't want to hurt her or you. You need to know that, your wife is amazing but she's your wife first".

I looked at him and said that I felt that from him; I told him it's one of the reasons I am as relaxed and 'into this' as I am. He smiled to hear that and continued, "she's amazing in bed. She just enjoys it so much..... but it's really all sex...." and then I guess he felt weird about what he said because he stammered, "... I don't mean it that way, but it's not like I want her to be my wife or anything so you shouldn't get down about that or anything....".

I looked at him and said that I knew it was just sex on her part and that I didn't feel that she was looking for more with him either, " … if that's how she feels, then it's all good".

He responded with, " … she does, she and I talk about that sometimes, that she knows it too".

And with that, almost on cue, she came into the room and said, "I know what too....?”


Our conversation last night was even more of an ice-breaker between Paul and me. When Suzanna came back into the room neither of us hid anything from her and I told her that we were talking about how much she enjoyed sex with Paul. That made her blush but she didn't deny it and if anything, seemed to fawn over him a bit more as I recall we talked some more which while not explicit, was certainly sexy.

She went up to the bedroom before us so that she could have a few minutes alone to get changed and 'ready for you guys'. We watched her go up the stairs and then Paul picked up on the conversation saying how great everything was repeating again that now that he really believed that I was into all of this.

I joked and asked him what he'd thought for the past year and he said that he wasn't sure. I knew he'd been out with a few other married women in the past and he said at first he tried to make out that it was like being with them but that Suzanna had slowly convinced him that I really wanted all of this. He said when the first overnights started that he still wasn't sure whether it was me or her pushing everything along.

I told him that I didn't mind the sex part and that I was long past any jealousy at her enjoying sex with him. He again repeated that 'the sex' was all he was really into and he even said at one point that he sort of felt guilty at just wanting sex with her but that they'd talked about it and it was clear she wanted it too. He then confessed, telling me something about, " … enjoying it a lot more" with her since I started to join them!

We heard her call that she was ready. As we walked upstairs I asked him if my being there made him feel awkward. He said at first it did but now he feels kind of okay about it but he joked that, " … sometimes I like to think that you're not there".

I told him that I would try to stay out of his view but he said that I should feel free to do as Suzanna wanted and that he would be okay with it.


I am not going to try to recap the sex together. I was there the entire time he seduced her and one time I even leaned in and kissed her and caressed her breasts while he was going down on her but when he was ready to have all of her I moved out of the way and let them have their fun.

I am so drawn back to those times when Suzanna was with Dan and how they seemed together and contrasting that to her and Paul. She seems so much more confident in her actions now and it's so clear that it's her who wants it; it was her who pulled me to her as Paul was pleasuring her and it was her who reached out and held my cock as she kissed him when he was fucking her. It was most definitely her who directed Paul when she was ready and horny and wanting him in her.

But at the same time, her responses to sex and how she gets into it; how she moans; how her body responds; how wet and open she gets and, yes, how much she wants it, none of that has changed. If anything, it's that much more beautiful because now she's the one 'receiving' it from Paul instead of how I felt back then that she was almost 'giving' herself to Dan. Then again, that's how he had pushed her so maybe it's no surprise.

Paul looked over at me a few times and he even spoke to me when they were in the midst of foreplay. He looked up at me as he moved away from licking on her pussy and just said casually to me, "she tastes so good"

I replied, "I know".

Suzanna later told me it made her blush as her two guys talked about how her pussy tasted but confessed it felt very sexy to hear us talk about her lying there naked as we did so.


I had thought maybe she would relent before going away but that isn't to be. When I suggested I was a tad bit horny tonight she told me if I was that, " … there's always the computer in the office … " and that I should, "… be quiet when you come back to bed … or maybe you could just sleep in there!"

I do have a little apprehension about her going to this golf course and who is going to be there. Suzanna explained that these aren't the guys he normally sees or plays with every week; he says these are the guys that go to the nicer courses in the area and who have the money to travel.

I'm not sure how that made me feel. I am smiling because they are all going to know Paul and her are going to be fucking every night so that'll be interesting to see how Suzanna feels about that. These are older guys, most are married and if not, their partners (maybe some are gay!) come most of the times so I'm hoping Suzanna won't feel left out. I joked with her that she can join the bingo games with the older ladies and man did she punch me at making that remark.


It is something I am finding now to be a new norm perhaps, that I get to have a turn with her at some point and then we share Wednesday evenings as we have for a long time. I know it sounds weird but I have been seeing this and at this time, it's making me feel wonderful seeing her so sexually fulfilled how she is now.


She is so excited about going away with Paul, more than I've seen or can really remember.

She wants to buy a few more new things to take away with her. I'm not sure why for when I read back what I written earlier I omitted to mention that Suzanna had on an incredibly sexy nightie when we both went up to see her. Almost the entire top was sheer white hiding nothing beneath except where there was some kind of design in the material that gave it a bit more substance. The panties matched and as we stood there it really turned me on when I realized that I hadn't ever seen these on her before and I figured that she must have already been out shopping in readiness for the trip. Even now as I'm sitting here stroking my cock, thinking of how she looked, her nipples and the darkened area of her pussy was clearly visible. I know it won't make any sense to some but the thought of her wearing this when she's away was just so exciting and arousing to me. We made eye contact and all of that but it was so hot to watch her mainly concentrating on him, wanting him.

As I said, Paul seemed a bit more comfortable and I guess it showed. As he got into it with her I shifted out of his line of sight. Suzanna smiled when she saw me make the move and managed to reach out so I could hold her hand but that didn't last for once he got started she let go and put it on his shoulder.

I was undressed already and I didn't even really think about just stroking myself while I watched them from the side. Her leg was up a bit and it blocked my view and even now as I’m typing this I can't find the words to describe how surreal it is to watch her with him. With my mind fresh from re-reading some of the older times I'd written about I have to say how different it felt to be there. I don't know, but I so recall the urgency I felt back then to want to hurry her partner along and the urgency I felt in almost 'having' to have her. Compared to now, it such a different feeling.

However, I will admit that I still get queasy when things get started. I get this intense chill up my spine as I watch her begin to give into him. Sometimes it's when her breasts come out, other times it's when her pussy is first visible, many times it's when I see his hand on her pussy and I see his fingers spread her lips apart. It almost feels stinging at first to watch her give herself to him like that. But once I hear her breathing settle in and I hear her moan, it seems to go from something almost agonizing to being something just amazing and that it's just crazy.

I stroked away as he fucked her.

I'll say it again, I stroked my cock as he fucked her!

At one point he turned towards me and smiled and somehow he seemed to turn his body so for a moment I had a very clear view of him fucking her. The skinnier shaft of his cock and that fat knob seemed to slip in and out effortlessly. Seeing her really into it, at some points even seeing her hunch her butt upwards as he'd plunge downwards into her, it's just amazing to see her when it's her who wants the sex.

I'm not a jealous person but I admit I was envious when he made her scream and shake as he came in her. I knew it was coming soon (very punny) he hunched her legs back onto his elbows and he seemed to bend her backwards. She says she feels like a pretzel sometimes but that was the position she was in when he came in her.

It's crazy to say it but I loved seeing them both building up to it and it was so hot to see it happen. From the first grunt he let out followed by the rapidly and sharply rising moans from her; it was just beautiful to see her respond like that with her back arched and she twisted around as he kept fucking her until she'd come to a stop. When he pulled out of her, there wasn't a huge mess or anything and as she lay there, relaxing and catching her breath, she reached out and once again held my hand while she pulled Paul to her for a kiss with the other.

It was in between one of their kisses that she turned to me and saw how hard my cock was. She smiled and said in a teasing voice, "do you want a turn now baby?"

My god she looked like a sex goddess lying there with Paul on one side of her and me on the other. I wasn't sure he could see what I could, that her pussy was very used looking is the only way I can describe it. It wasn't closed all the way and as she breathed slowly a little liquid seeped inside.

As I reached up for a condom she smiled and almost whispered, "… you can take a taste if you want". So before I put it on, I did just that. They were kissing when I leaned in but I know they stopped when she felt my tongue and she pulled her legs back for a moment, I could feel the back of my head burning knowing he was staring down at me as I did it.

Thereafter he paid little or no attention to me as he either kissed her mouth or he would kiss her ear or nibble on her neck. I paid him no attention as I leaned in and took a lick from both sides of her pussy on the outside and I could clearly taste cum. It tasted tart and there was just no mistaking it. I licked around and then moved in to lick at her clit which she spread her legs to help me get to. That's when more fluids started to dribble out of her and the horny part of me took over. I pulled that condom on and pushed into her in a flash. Still kissing Paul she went from moaning softly from having my tongue in her pussy to bucking up at me this time as I pushed my cock into her.

I think for me, the arousal at using the condom with her is knowing that I am not truly sharing it with her, that I want this moment to be just for her. It's crazy but I love using a condom with her these days like this. She lay there while she was kissing Paul and when she felt me move into place, she spread her legs and relaxed her knees for me revealing the most beautiful pussy I've ever seen. I can't describe how sexy and hot and inviting it looked, so wet and open inside. Even though had the condom on, as I rubbed the tip up and down her swollen slit, I could feel the heat and wetness.

It was very erotic to hear her moan as I started to push into her. I think she may have orgasmed with me, maybe not something huge like Paul had done to her but I distinctly felt her pussy spasm a few times including several that were accompanied by sloppy sounds as I plunged back and forth.

I did not last long. Paul looked up at me as I started to fuck her (even gave me a thumbs-up at one point) but all too soon, the excitement of watching them and then feeling her slickness really got to me and with her encouraging me to just push deep into her and for me to enjoy every second of it, I blasted a huge load into the condom.


Their revised itinerary is that they are leaving here on Friday morning, he is golfing on Saturday and Sunday. He/they joked that maybe she'll take a golf-lesson. I didn't tell her that he's got no chance! Apparently there's a big dinner on Sunday night and then they are flying back on Monday.

For the rest of the night I again left them alone but this time it was Suzanna who came down to the kitchen to see how I was doing and to invite me to come back up so I, "could watch before heading to bed". I noticed she didn't say anything about participating again and when I went in, Paul smiled at me.

She took off her robe and got into bed naked between Paul and I as we leaned back and watched some TV together. It would have taken longer had some soft porn show not been on but seeing the 'actors' start (the sound was turned down, it might have been a Spanish channel) to kiss and more on the show got Suzanna started. She turned to Paul and pulled his attention away from the TV and towards her and began kissing him while I lay there next to them. Eventually it went from kissing to more and I watched them go at it one more time. No explosive orgasm at the end for Suzanna but definitely messy enough that when Paul pulled out of her he said he was going to get a washcloth for them.

While he was out she asked me if I was going to be okay in the other room for the night as we'd planned.

I told her I would.


It is very obvious to both Suzanna and I that we both want her to go away with Paul and have her fun. She looked at me and said that this was maybe the first time ever that it's her who wants to go with him and she made no secret about it, she wants to 'fuck him a lot' while she's away.

She said to me last night that one of the things she's wanted to have with Paul is the feeling of being his for more than just one night. As we talked she reminded me that she had really wanted 2 nights with him at times and when she knew it was turning me on to hear her talk like that, she told me what I'd said, that she wants to get fucked at lot for several days in a row without me being there.

I asked her what was different about Paul and going away this time as she'd been away with other guys for longer periods before. She told me she just feels different about Paul and she was the one who said that she wanted some of the feelings she'd thought about when thinking she wanted a big emotional affair.

When I pushed her she said that it wasn't the emotions at all that she was looking for, that she now knows she just wants the sex. I admitted to her I was envious that Paul, being younger, could still 'go 2 or 3 times a night' and she smiled and said ,"I know". She didn't need to say much more.

I know that conversation should have troubled me more last night but it's so incredible to hear her talk about just wanting sex with him and that really being the main focus of why she wants to go away with him. It's just so hot for me to think that finally, after 18+ years, that maybe her sexual desires have been unlocked again and it's just so hot to see her wanting to explore them now for herself.

She asked me what I was thinking and I shared some of my thoughts about us losing our sexual connection over time. She dismissed that idea and responded that in her opinion we are just enjoying ourselves and she even joked that, "although even I think I enjoy it a bit too much with him sometimes!".

That comment precipitated a brief discussion about her loving sex with him. When I added that our time together seems to be decreasing, she replied that it's something she is really enjoying, the feeling of giving into her physical desires now that she didn't feel she could in the past.

I told her that sometimes I get worried we are maybe too far down this road. She countered by asking I was still turned on by everything and I couldn't deny it, I said, "Yes".

She held my hand and asked me if I still felt I wanted to continue it and I told her, " yes, that it still turned me on".

She kissed me and then just said, " … then don't let it worry you."

She went on to explain that when I came to her with this whole beta-thing, that it took her a while to accept it and to even try to understand it. She says that she now knows that in many ways it turns me on even more for her to have sex with Paul than for me to have sex with her; that she is really just doing what I want her to do. She said she doesn't hold it against me at all and that in fact, it's led to her (through some of her own actions) to let herself accept that she too has physical desires and that, " … baby, having this much sex with him really does make me want it more with him!"

She explained that the same was true for us and that if I wanted to be the guy fucking her right now, that she is sure that her desires would turn to focus on me. She then asked me if that's what I truly wanted.

She said pretty openly that with her fucking him 3-4 times a week now, and with her now cumming quite intensely with him, that she finds herself wanting it more with him and asked, ".. why should that surprise you at all?

As we moved back towards a more sexual moment from a more serious moment she looked at me and asked me what I thought about her time away with Paul. I told her that I was fixated on the same things she'd talked about, not the social or other moments, but that I continually thought about how much sex she'd likely be having with him. She giggled and said ,"so, I'm not supposed to look forward to that?”

When she saw that I was getting horny at the thought she teased me and whispered sexily in my ear, "he's going to cum in me so much baby" and she admitted that is something that turned her on about him over me, that I no longer seem to cum a lot … or not nearly as much as he does.

I told her I was still worried about losing her or that things would change between us. She asked me if I thought that would happen as a result of her going with him. I told her that I didn't think this one trip was going to do anything and she said I was exactly right. She told me that she has no thoughts of anyone other than me as her partner and her lover but that she was totally into Paul being her 'fuck buddy' and that as long as I was okay with that, that the trip meant nothing else.

It was hard to argue, sensing how intent and concerned she was as she spoke to me, I could feel it in her. So, when she asked if I was horny and if I wanted to 'have some fun' I was already pretty much ready. As I pushed down my sweats and boxers she slid up next to me and said she loved me very much and that she always wanted to be sure that felt happy and satisfied with what we were doing. She ran her hands up my stomach and chest and arms and told me that I still turned her on but that she was, "… just really into it with Paul right now".

I guess my cock also answered her when I moaned and told her that I could tell.

She told me again how she thinks it's sort of romantic that I am so concerned about her getting her pleasure and she said that it makes her love me even more. My cock was rock hard already when she told me she still loves my cock and thinks it is beautiful and how it makes her horny to see me when I'm stiff knowing I'm aroused about her and what she is doing. … then she got closer and in a more sexy whisper said "… but Paul's cock is just so much fun baby."

My god, it feel so wonderful to hear that.

She teased me that she loves that she, "… knows how another man feels so intimately …" adding that, "… I know just when he's going to cum". She cooed in my ear, "... does that turn you on baby, that I know how another man feels in my pussy?"

I must have grunted because she kept it up, "he's going to cum a lot in me this weekend baby...I can't wait to have him for more than just one night....”

Between her taunting and my hand I could feel that 'it' was coming very soon. I moaned and she encouraged me, " … come on baby, let me see you cum....” and That was it, I did.

When I'd stroked out the last few drops, she pulled me towards her, not against her, just close enough to hug my upper body and shoulders and she kissed me and said she loved me. When our hug ended she gently pushed me back towards my side of the bed and said, "let’s get this mess cleaned up". You'll have to guess what happened next!

We did talk in bed after that and she had a great suggestion for me to go up to Boston and visit my buddies up there for the weekend. So I shall email them to see if we can make plans so that I don't have to stay at home and be reminded of an empty house for 2 out of the 3 nights.


It's becoming clearer to me and I am beginning to feel that there is an end to my denial desires. I know that as things continue to escalate that they are going to continue to turn me on.; I know that things are likely to continue in this direction as I see Suzanna's desires growing too; I do know that by her having this much sex with him (and comparatively less with me) that there's virtually no doubt that her desires will increase for him. Make no mistake about it, I want to see this happen, I cannot emphasise too much how incredible it is to see her let herself feel this way for herself.

I honestly don't mind sharing her this way, or as some may say, of me giving her away. I truly love that she lets other guys fuck her and I continue to love knowing that other men know her so intimately. I love the way it makes me feel, knowing she feels the same way and, more importantly, that she's letting herself do and want this to happen.

What I felt the other day and am now more aware of is that I do feel a distinct rising level of desire for her physically again. It's subtle and I felt it most when hearing her tell me how totally Paul fucks her and how she is feeling more desire for him. It was the first in a long time that I felt what I'd call an alpha-moment where I felt the desire for me to want her that way again. It's given me the thought that things aren't going to stay like this forever, I expect that as time goes by, my denial-desires and my desire to be the beta will wane. I'll say that this is the first time in a while that I can see a time when I may want to resume things.

I'll end this here by saying I put up a brave front at times and that while I so want her to go away with Paul and have the experience she wants, that at the same time I definitely feel that rising angst. Feeling my cock get hard (even with my melancholy thoughts) I am grateful for her suggestion of me going away for a few days. It'll be a great diversion.

While I may jerk off over and over at the thoughts of what she'll be doing, at the same time, I do sense the rising cuck angst feelings as the time is getting closer. I expect them to come out later tonight.


Last night and this morning was a bit heart wrenching for me and, surprisingly, for her. It surprised both of us that we should feel this way because she's gone away before but this was different. It was almost torture last night watching and helping her pack. I was as honest and as supportive as I could be, especially when she picked out lingerie for their nights together and also somewhat revealing undies for her to wear in the daytime. Don't get me wrong, I was so turned on along with her as she went through different items and held them against her to check in the mirror and to let me see her. I told her that I thought several items she'd chosen and packed would really turn Paul on. She responded by saying and confirming that she'd even bought some new undies she'd bought just for the trip.

Suzanna was as excited as I was but at the same time, we had several minutes of holding hands and kissing where she asked me if I was going to be okay. I told her that it would surely take my mind off things by going away myself but I added that I would be thinking of her the entire time. She blushed and then told me she was a little nervous too, that it'd been a long (long, long) time since she'd been away with anyone she felt like this with where she couldn't wait for the sex to begin!


Things were a little more chaste this morning. We’ve had other mornings like this. I'm never sure if she does it on purpose or if it just happens but she walked around the house naked for a while with just a towel around her head while she rummaged through the laundry piles for something specific (a leopard-print bra) that she had wanted to wear today.

I told her honestly when I saw her looking around and searching that she looked very sexy. She smiled at that.

What I didn't tell her was that as she knelt or bent over to look in the laundry basket or in her closets that when I got a glimpse or more of her pussy, all I could think about was it being filled by Paul's cock over this weekend. It made me horny to think of her like that even if I was overall kind of down at her leaving.

She was in the bathroom putting the finishing touches to her makeup when she called out and said, "That's me all done, I'm off," that she was going to be leaving. I stopped her and said we still had 15 minutes before she needed to be leaving.

She said that we'd already kissed and that she didn't want to mess up her lipstick and then to be late for work. I held her tightly and she was just starting to complain when I said, "OK but we have one more thing to do before you leave".

She looked at me like I had two heads and said, "what now?"

I held up her hand and showed her that her rings were still on. She blushed and smiled when she saw what I'd shown her and she was quiet and again, her eyes looked a little teary as I held her hand. She whispered that she loved me.

I told her that I loved her too and as I slid off both of her rings told her that I loved her enough to want her to have a great time with Paul and that, "with these off your finger, you can let yourself be his this weekend". She started to say something but I pulled her to me and hugged me and I said, "just promise me that I can put them back on you when you come home on Monday".

She leaned back and looked at me with this incredulous look on her face and said, "oh my god baby, of course you can, I love you. You are who I want to come home to".

She put her suitcase in the car and then came back in and we kissed (carefully, so as not to smudge!) and hugged for a little while. She reached down and held my cock through my pants for a few minutes and, feeling how hard I was, she smiled and said that, "… we'll have our own time when I get home baby".

When I hugged her and told her to have a good time and to call me or at least text me she said she was going to miss me. I think I saw a tear in her eye.


I'm hoping to cut out of work a little early today, come home and get things together and then head up to Boston so I'm there at a more reasonable hour. But right now, I'm thinking I may need to jerk-off to relieve the intense hard-on that I seem to have had since she closed the door and pulled out of the driveway.

I suspect this will be a pattern for the weekend.


Time for a new book.