Journal of a Journey - Book 117

I'm having to recognize that things might appear shaky looking in from the outside but I don’t think that our relationship is going down the drain. I think if that were the case, then the discussions we had yesterday wouldn't have happened; this is just a rough spot in the road.

Our sexual interaction is in the air right now and after talking with her yesterday for a long time, that part is very clear, that it is just our sexual interaction that we need to get more synchronized. To be clear, there is no lack of love or concern for either of us on either of our parts.


Paul did come by on Saturday and while that did annoy me, I also knew that it would help her (and me) to have that out of the way. She did cancel on Wednesday and to be honest, I should have seen all this coming but why belabor the point?

Our discussion did circle around what I wanted. I told her that I didn't want to be the beta on an emotional level, just sexually. I used that argument with her and that, along with what I'd said earlier, seemed to ring true for her and I do believe she felt genuine remorse for what had happened and that she admitted she hadn't been thinking about how I'd feel about them keep changing plans.

She said that aspect hadn't occurred to her, that she was more thinking about how she'd hoped I'd have responded about what she thought would be something fun for us on Saturday, namely that she thought that I could have maybe been a part of them together (unlike when we were away). She said all she was thinking about was that she hoped I would be there to enjoy being with her just after Paul had finished. Again, in her mind making up for what she'd put me through while we were away.

I know that sounded like a bit of a cover story that she came up with after probably realizing what she'd started and how upset I was about not being consulted but it was good to hear that she did want to make the weekend something directed towards me and after Paul had left, that we'd then have time together.


I admit that when I went out and intentionally left them alone, it felt good for me to get some air and maybe better for me to not be there to be with them after all. I told her that later and said that maybe it would have been better for me after the prior weekend to not be there. She agreed and that was a part of what we talked about, the real part of our discussion revolves around those questions about getting sexually in sync again.

Saturday night I came home knowing that Paul had just left within the past hour. I was not in a good frame of mind and I told her that it had taken a lot for me to not feel betrayed and forgotten about her wanting him to come over when I thought we would be having the night to ourselves. She asked me in return if it didn't turn me on that she was all 'wet and warm' and that she wanted to share that with me.

I reminded her about how it made me feel emotional when I thought she'd wanted the night for us and all of that stuff. After we got through the apologies and all of that I guess I sort of understood what she was thinking and I told her that it did turn me on that I knew how she was beneath her robe and nightshirt. I'll admit to almost wanting to say the heck with the discussion and to let me just have her but I also knew that having made such a fuss about the situation, despite her trying to distract me, she knew that we needed to talk.

She asked me what I wanted and I told her that before I answered that, I wanted to know what she wanted; did she want me to stop wanting to be the beta and to resume having 'normal relations' with her?

She was quiet for a bit and then she said she'd tell me but only after I answered one question first. I told her that wasn't fair for her to be answering a question with another question but she asked anyway, 'had I enjoyed last weekend (away skiing) or not'. I told her that wasn't really what we were talking about but she persisted and said that she needed to hear my answer first.

I told her that it was exciting and that, yes, I'd enjoyed it perversely.

A second question, "and how many times did you cum?"

I answered 'four times' before I even realized that she'd asked me a second question. She smiled and said, "that's what I thought …. so how can that be so good for you and we are now here talking about this?"

Before I could say anything she looked at me and said, "no, you don't need to answer that, I don't want you to".

We were both quiet for a moment and she added, "you asked about 'normal relations' between us". She looked at me and said, "well ... is that what you want, do you want to go back?” Before I could answer she added, "I want this to be good for you and something you want".

It took me a moment to get it out but I finally told her that, yes, it was good for me but that at times I felt that maybe it was more difficult on me emotionally, I told her that when we don't have the sex together, that I think I may seem to put more emphasis or importance on the non-sexual stuff.

She blushed and glowed at that and I think there was even a tear in her eye at that as she said that she'd never meant to hurt me with any of this and now she understood how it might have seemed. She looked at me and said, "Had I realized this, I never would have had Paul come over."

She seemed genuinely contrite and I softened my attitude and, now this is going to sound crazy, I told her that I was glad he had come by. She didn't know what I was saying until she looked up at me and saw what she said later was a 'look in your eye' and she realized that, right then, what was more important than talking was for her to share herself with me.

She said to me later, when we continued talking yesterday, that to hear what I had to say made her feel like she 'wanted me'; that she had considered telling me to cum in her thinking that might be what I needed, but then she saw that look on my face and she said that she realized what I would like even more. She patted the bed next to her and asked if we could have some fun first or whether I wanted to continue talking.

I got into bed next to her and my angst seemed to disappear and instead, be replaced by arousal at finally having her to myself. We lay back against the bed and I have to say, whether it was from my being upset or whatever, there felt like some true passion between us as we kissed and she responded. I know I felt horny as we kissed and I pushed her robe open and pushed her top out of the way revealing her breasts. They felt so warm and her nipples were so hard already. It all happened pretty quickly and furtively once I got her clothes off. Unlike some times after she's been with Paul, nothing was off-limits, indeed, not only did she encourage me to go down on her, she encouraged me to do whatever I liked. As I began to lick at her she teased me, gently though, and asked me if I would have liked to have done this when we were away skiing. I didn't answer, my moaning and grunts as well as how hard my cock had become told her all she need to know, was that she was turning me on.

It might be said that, once again, I caved into her desires but the reality was that I was still really horny and after feeling how intimate and serious she had taken some of what we'd talked about, seeing, feeling, and now tasting her body, I went for it.

It seemed like forever since she'd offered herself to me and I have to say that as I enjoyed going down on her and feeling how warm and sexy she was I had second thoughts that maybe she'd wanted to share herself like this with me after all.

It felt good to be tasting Paul's cum in her, and although it was going to sound crazy, as she moved closer to orgasm from feeling my fingers and tongue, I felt this was a validation of wanting him to cum in her. The more she relaxed and let herself go under my attention, the more I could feel how she must have felt with him making love to her. I felt her start to flutter and softly thrust upwards at my tongue and all I can say is that I know my cock got hugely hard. I am being honest here when I say that I felt the most intense urge to put a condom on and push into her.

I can't explain it but feeling and tasting her soft and swollen pussy oozing with his cum at that moment, I guess I do want to be the beta; even now I still feel, that I want that to just be something she feels from him.

And yet, at the same time, I guess the reality is that I need her behaviors surrounding that to be different, supportive for me, and not to be put second to him.

We started to talk more about this yesterday during the day and, when we got into bed later at night, we had sex again. I think she understands me a bit more now.


Our discussion yesterday got into what I was feeling and what I wanted and what she was feeling and what she wanted. She said that she was confused in some ways before our talk on Saturday, that she hadn't been separating things in her head; that it was all just the same, and hadn't been thinking of how I was feeling emotionally vs. sexual arousal.

I'm not sure how to summarize what seemed like hours of talking down to fit as a diary entry but I can say that she openly admitted that she is enjoying sex more with Paul than with me. Her conclusion, and again she asked me, "… isn't that what you said you wanted?"

It was hard to answer her in any way other than to say, yes, because I do still feel that arousal at wanting that but I told her that it wasn't as cut-and-dried, that there was still an overlap in things. While I am still incredibly intoxicated at what she is doing, I now see an overlap in there in a way I hadn't anticipated, and neither did she.

She asked me again if I'd enjoyed myself when we were away skiing and I told her that while some of it had hurt in a way to hear and see, I came away from it feeling good and certainly satisfied. I also told her that I didn't feel threatened by it.

She liked that and again asked me to remind her how many times I'd masturbated. When I said 'four times' she smiled and said that as I'd enjoyed it that much, she was confused that I got upset about Paul coming over, she said once again, she didn't understand why.

That is until I told her that I knew I wasn't having sex with her when we were away and I had no reason to want to wait for her. I said that was an entirely different matter from when she said we'd have the weekend together, that I found myself wanting to wait to be with her.

She smiled at me and said she loved hearing that but she also said that I shouldn't put such pressure on myself or on needing to feel that I have to wait for her if I didn't want to. I responded and told her that I would still prefer to wait to make love with her with a condom on than to masturbate and not have the same level of desire for her.

She blushed at that and said that it made her feel wonderful to hear that I want her like that. She seemed to genuinely realize that it was her saying it'd be 'our weekend' and not my cuckold desires making me hold out in hopes for some time with her that was the difference.

As we talked more and she told me that she wanted me to do just as I'd done when we were away, that she loved knowing I was masturbating at being excited about what she was doing with Paul. I told her that it was only recently I had started to do just that which was why this changing of plans seemed to hurt even more, that it was a time when I'd started to look forward to sharing with her only to be diverted away.

She said that she really did understand and that it made her feel even worse now that she understood how much like a yo-yo I must have felt; that she now realized that even though I was as horny as I was and that it was as fun as it was the night before, that now that she understood what I was saying, she agreed it wasn't what she'd wanted.

Our conversation went back to my desires and what I thought was going to happen when the only one she was really 'making love' with is Paul and not me. I answered and said again, that when we get to where she would prefer to have sex with Paul rather than me (and it's not just that he's the one cumming in her, although she says that weighs heavily on her arousal), I understand that she will respond more to him and feel more in touch and comfortable with him sexually.

She looked at me and again asked me what I thought was going to happen over time based on what I'd told her, saying, "you did say you wanted me to look to him when I wanted sex, right?"

When I said yes she told me that it wouldn't be possible for her to not feel anything more for him either in terms of desire, either physical or emotional.

She must have seen my expression change when she said that for she quickly added, "oh don't be all worried, I don't love him or anything like that..... but I do love his cock these days....." A second later said, "I'm sorry, but it's been a long time now baby since you know since you've cum in me and I think I just want him more right now". Again she asked me, "isn't this what you wanted ….. did you not think this would happen?”

It wasn't easy to sit there with my wife and look her in the eye and tell her that I liked her being sexually satisfied by her lover instead of me. At the same time, I couldn't lie to her if that was the truth .. although it was.

What I felt on Saturday night was that I knew it is still what I ultimately want, that like this past weekend, that sex with me isn't first on her list but when it is on the list, she will honor her promises to me.

We hugged and talked for a while and she said that this wasn't easy for her to talk to me about either but that now after over 2 years of dealing with me on this stuff, she thought she knew what I wanted. She said it hurt her to realize that she'd missed this emotional thing with me but that she thought she knew that what I wanted was the truth and that she at first felt like my being upset was conflicting with all of that.

She said that now she understood but in return, she said that she wanted me to know a few things. One was that she loved me and no matter what loving me would always come above everything we were doing. I didn't ask her to explain it further because just as she believes she knows me, I believe I know her to be telling me the truth.

She said that after our talk that she has come to understand me a lot more, even more so now that she's also come to know what she is feeling. She told me that while she does miss the physical intimacy we used to share, she now accepts (at least for now) that we both want to feel her enjoying that with Paul.

She said that this realization is not going to change things between us and she admitted that when I first came to her admitting my desires, she too feared changing how she felt about me. Again she reminded me that it is now almost 2 years since my beta admission to her.

She's accepted that she enjoys sex very much (nothing wrong with that!) and even more to have sex with Paul rather than with me. She said she believes she has separated her sexual desire from me now and made it clear that this is something she feels right now. She even managed to joke coldly that she gets wet for Paul now but that it takes a lot for her to get wet for me sexually!

I told her that I wanted to hear it even if it hurt. She came back straightaway and said, "Right now I genuinely do not want you to cum in me!"

She followed that by admitting that she feels less desire for me than for her own needs but she recognizes that I still need to feel her physically and she understands that. She concluded by saying that while she doesn't necessarily feel sexually aroused when it comes to wanting sex with me when she thinks about it as 'something for us', she said that she never questions that it's something we need.

I must have had a forlorn look on my face when she told me that (she said I looked like a deer caught in the headlights) but again asked me if this wasn't what I'd wanted. She attempted to make a joke, "you know baby, my heart will always be for you but what's between my legs is going to be for Paul!"

I'm not sure if she was joking or not.


Yesterday we started by discussing what we like and what we enjoy and agreed to talk about that rather than any of the emotional stuff.

She's said a lot more about how she feels and what she enjoys and I've shared mine. What I've told her is some of what I have already written here, but I did emphasize to her that I wanted to feel cherished and special in some way that builds us together emotionally if we are willingly giving it up elsewhere.

We both feel that as long as we feel confident and comfortable and still connected (which she admits as much as I do that we need to figure that one out)- that we both want to continue our sexual life as we have been. She admitted to feeling confused at first but now, as I've shared, she's begun to enjoy what we've put in motion and she asked me honestly if I felt good about everything; would it be a problem to let the sexual aspects of it continue?

I in turn admitted that I did still enjoy what we were doing denial-wise and that, being honest with myself, it isn't the sex that's the issue. (I didn't admit that I am finding the sight of his erect cock fascinating and of my suppressed desire to want to touch it, maybe 'help' him place it where it looks so comfortable!)


We have agreed that she'll limit her time with Paul for now. I didn't think it was fair to think that she'd stop seeing him. She said she's talked to him making him aware that we have 'issues'. She didn't make him fully aware of everything other things that we have going on but he was cool with the fact that we needed some space to figure things out better.


Changes happened last night! I'd gotten home from work quite late and then wanted to work out the stresses of the day so I exercised for like an hour or more. After showering I relaxed in bed watching TV and soon Suzanna came up and joined me. When she took off her robe I saw she'd put on something sexier than just her nightshirt, she was wearing a pair of 'boy shorts' with lace all over and a short crop top t-shirt that revealed her stomach and waist. I loved seeing her nipples through the shirt.

She lay down next to me and we started to kiss, softly at first but then more passionately. I asked her what had bought this display of passion on and she said to me that she wanted to make Wednesdays 'hotter' between us and that even though we aren't going to have sex, that she admitted that she'd like to turn me on more and even, sometimes, 'to take care of myself too'. There was far less cuckold teasing and more overall sex to turn me on as she got me hot and going.

It did feel weird to have had a more serious discussion with her in the days before and to now be feeling very horny with her acting like this … but I didn't question it once we got started. She rubbed her body against mine and soon I was at full mast and quickly stroking away. She told me again how she loved to watch me and I told her that it made me horny to let her watch. She started to add some cuckish teasing towards the end as she knew it would get me horny and to cum if she continued. What surprised me though was at the end when I was just about to erupt she pulled my hand away and for a second I thought she was going to just let my cock bob away there. Then, my god, she put my cock in her mouth.

I instinctively put my hand on her head but there was no need, she sucked me so perfectly and cupped my balls just right that a moment later I thrust into her mouth and let it fly. She gagged at first but then took to stroking my cock while she kept the tip in her mouth.

Finally, I felt her run her thumb up from the base of my rigid cock to the top (I was touched that she remembered to do that) and I knew that was a sign that she was nearly done with me. In the split second, she pulled her mouth off of my cock and I realized what she was going to do next. My eyes regained focus just in time to see her come towards me and passionately kiss me, 'snowballing' as we French kissed and played with each other’s tongues. My cum was pretty tart tasting but it was still like heaven sharing the moment with her.

She opened her eyes and looked into mine and as she did, she pushed most of my cum from her mouth into mine before pulling back to look at me. It turned me on that she wanted to watch me swallow it. After I had swallowed she told me that she wanted to do that for me on Wednesdays in the future.

It was a surprise to hear her say it but based on how she said it I think she wants or needs to feel something special with me.

We didn't have the chance to talk more about it as we both conked out, exhausted.


There isn't more to tell right now. We've talked about a lot in detail and she's shared some of her thoughts too, some of which I told her that I knew were likely to come out. I did tell her while it stung to hear some of it, what I have to say is that maybe we did need more time very close like this after the ski weekend, more than either of us knew.


Something that I should add at this time is that we both still want to continue the denial. What we've really to realize is that what I need to feel isn't so much desire as perhaps the word respect or consideration. We've been very honest with each other and I'll admit that in some ways she is right, that I wanted to let the genie out of the bottle, and now that it's out I really shouldn't be complaining about her desires, but concentrate more and determining what makes us both feel fulfilled and cherished, something that she sees was very much lacking.

She's said that she is going to reduce and limit her time with Paul until we get ourselves into a better rhythm. She knows that will mean that periodically, perhaps once a month or longer, we will take time to focus on each other's pleasure directly instead of indirectly. So yes, a weekend away filled with passion between just us is what has been promised.


In continuing with being honest with others we have been openly discussing condoms and my continued use of them. She has now said quite clearly that my fetish has rubbed off on her and she is equally fascinated with how she feels about me using condoms with her.

She says that it wouldn't be the same and she surely wouldn't want me using them if she weren't seeing Paul, the obvious implication being that while she sees him, she now genuinely prefers that I not cum in her. She says that it's now been something that's been a part of us for so long now (over a year, except for the few times last summer) that I would cum in her regularly. I told her honestly that as long as she was okay with it, that the arousal that comes from using them continues for me. She smiled as I said that and told me that she considers it a beautiful expression of my love for her to have given her something that she says makes their time together very special.

She also said something else, that in some ways, her having that with him seems to also make her have to think about and understand (and she used the word 'control') her relationship with Paul and that it's something that makes it special and she said makes her able to balance things better with him. When I asked her what she meant she said that because it's so good with him when they are together, it sort of lets her space it out better knowing she wants time before she sees him next, etc. So, in her way she says that because she enjoys it so much with him, it's easier to keep separate.

The other thing that she's said in the past but now says a bit more forcefully, is that I should remind her at times that she says she'd like to share herself with me more as she did last weekend. She also said that maybe it's not so good for me to always be there when they're together and that maybe it would have been better if she'd just found some time to go see him in the week after skiing instead of having him come to us the following weekend.

I told her that I would like that and that it was one of my favorite things to do. I told her again about how I like to imagine when we do get together that it is like being on a 'first date'. She giggled at that saying that once she could relax with me and feel she was sharing her own fun experience instead of my trying to give her yet another one, it was something she wants to get back to enjoying.


We are working things out and this weekend (Valentine's Day) we are going to go upstate and check out some wineries. I've already made reservations at a nice restaurant for Valentine’s Day so it should be one of those weekends that are for us, even nicer because it'll be a 3-day weekend.

Having said that, it will not be exclusive to me as she asked if she could see Paul at all. I told her the same as I told her for the past weekend, that I'd prefer if she went over there early on Sunday afternoon and then didn't come home too late so that we could have all of the next day and night together and then almost all of the next evening together.

She said that would be a nice present for her and I told her that her present to me will be to come home both days ready to excitedly share herself with me. She hugged me deeply and said that being with me would be the best present of them all.

I think that I'll surprise her and get her a proper gift, something new jewelry-wise. I know she's been looking at a pendant that she can open and put a picture or two inside. I wonder whose picture she will choose?!


I had an interesting conversation with Suzanna earlier today where she asked me whether I needed to feel that I miss more with her than cumming in her. She teased me quite pointedly reminding me that 'beta guys don't get that' and that she liked that we'd agreed that would still be something that she and Paul would continue to share. She repeated what she'd said the other day which was that sharing herself with me after she's been with Paul is something she wants to feel more at ease doing. She said that maybe we can have sex some of the time, if I want to, and think of it as an extension of her time with Paul.

I replied to her that I would like it if we'd get to spend more time together at times other than after she's been with Paul and that even if we didn't fuck, we could still be sexual with each other. I pretty much told her that while I still enjoy being the 'beta guy', I felt that still have some of her attention and desire would be something that I think would be good for us.

She said, "so we wouldn't have to have intercourse?" (I can tell when she's serious - she uses the proper nouns) to which I replied, "not if you didn't want to" and then added that at times I would still like to make her 'feel good in other ways'. She smiled and said that it sounded like something that might be fun but then asked me how often I was thinking about this. I think I surprised the heck out of her when I said that I didn't know but maybe every few weeks or so. She seemed to gush at that thought and she pulled me into this massive hug and kiss she said that sounded wonderful and that she thought it would be a lot of fun and that she was sure that would be a good thing for both of us.

The day flew by but come late afternoon and the sunset it seemed the right time to be opening the bottles of wine. We sat on the couch in front of the patio door looking at the colors of the sunset while we drank and she took the calm romantic moment to tell me that she had other ideas. She told me that while she had originally wanted to be horny for Paul tomorrow, her thoughts had changed after our talk earlier.

She lay down on the couch and let me take her jeans and panties off and go down on her. It took no time at all to make her cum and then for her to jump up and run bottomless up to our bedroom. I followed and found her lying on her back naked and spread wide for me!

I stripped as she watched and then I moved to the side of the bed where she reached for my cock and sucked me till I was hard. The whole time she lay there with her legs spread wide allowing and encouraging my fingers to play with and pleasure her. I admit it was a thrill to see her pussy's glowing pinkness, almost dripping with wetness for me this time.

She didn't notice that I slipped the condom on when I pulled out of her mouth and, yes, in an alpha moment I slapped her butt gently and motioned for her to move onto her knees for me. I'm proud to say that I took her hips in my hands and although it had been a while since I'd had her in this position, it was amazing to feel her go from tight to open as I fucked her.

But we both knew what we both wanted. After she'd cum and moaned loudly into her pillow she slid forward, turned onto her back, and welcomed me to take her in her favorite missionary position. I surely had an alpha cock for a while there as I enjoyed fucking the life out of her and she screamed and came along for the ride, literally. She moaned loudly and I felt her body spasm a moment before I let go to grind myself against her till I was satisfied that I could fill the condom no more.

She was motionless when I pulled out so it was up to me to take care of the condom and not make a mess. My God was it full and a testament that I had enjoyed sex with my wife immensely!

Needless to say, a late dinner was in order and right now she's watching the end of a chick-flick movie before joining me in 'our' bed tonight.

At which point I will declare that, just like the condom, this is another book filled.